Buoyancy has eluded me for months. I’ve been an object heavier than the medium in which I’ve been suspended. This has caused me to sink, has kept my head below the surface and left me suspended beneath the surface plane in which I felt secure enough to exist.
It’s been like this for months, which is why I’ve been quiet. It’s hard to communicate under water when you only have a few precious lungfuls of air that you think you’ll need to survive when you are under.
The current is changing, though. I’ve found a way to shed some of my mass or increase my volume, or whatever makes more sense for the density equation. We’ll say I gained some volume since my chubby travel season belly definitely hasn’t lost any mass.
Cancer has the tendency to shove dilemmas in your face, or in this case, on your head.
I want to return to normal. That is the number one goal of my treatment, of my life. I want things to go back to the way they were before I was diagnosed with ALL (which stands for “all of the cancers”). I want to feel normal, act normal, do normal things, and look normal again. The problem with this, though, is I am NOT normal yet and won’t be for many months.
The easiest of the normals for me to return to would be “looking normal.” My facial hair has grown back normally and my head hair is on its way, despite a few thin patches. My loving girlfriend teases that I look like a baby bird waiting for its mother to barf dinner into its open beak.
Let’s Face It, Some Jobs Are More Important Than Others. You guessed it, I’m talking about the ladies and gentleman of Health Care. Doctors, PA’s, Residents, CNAs, Therapists, Social Workers, Med Techs, and especially LPNs and RNs. Forgive me those that I am leaving out.
Hey guys, you should definitely order one of these prints that famous artist Max Kauffman made for me. It’s awesome and limited addition and proceeds go to my medical bills. It’s extremely nice of him to donate his time and talents to me and I greatly appreciate his efforts and friendships.
“Adorable Discord” will be a run of 80, 6.5×9 inches, hand torn on hahnemuhle paper with archival inks. $20 in person, or $25 with shipping in the US. Outside of US, please email first.
Also, if you are in the Bay Area, you should go to the studio party he is having THIS THURSDAY (March 5th, 2015) above Lequivive Gallery @1525 Webster, Oakland CA, where some small drawings and older paintings will be available with those proceeds going to my medical expenses as well. Stop by, see what he’s been up to, and help a good cause! (yes I am a good cause!) Also, refreshments (cheap beer) will be present.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve given ya’ll any updates. I’ve been back at my home away from home… the 4th Floor of the inpatient oncology unit for my medical safety since thursday night. I’m doing very well and am hopeful to be released tomorrow morning to start my outpatient chemotherapy and get back to working part time later this week. I just wanted to thank everybody for their extremely generous donations to my youcare page.
Last night (2/22/15) I learned a valuable lesson during a lovely oscar party celebration where I nearly traded a piece of my finger with a hunk of chorizo in a meat dip I was making. I personally think the fingertip would have been an addition to the dip, considering that my blood is completely full of chemicals designed to murder anything organic they touch. It certainly would have added a very unique flavor profile to the dish!
Since transitioning from the inpatient oncology unit, I have been on a reckless vendetta against my previous hospital chains. This has mostly been a very good thing for me, and hopefully those around me, until my carelessness and foolishness got the best of me last night. I dipped a pinky toe with a bloody hangnail into a shallow pool of hammerheads sharks. I made a very careless choice that caused me to end up in the ER at around 10pm.
I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because actually nothing happens until it happens, but I was told by the lead Oncologist today that they will be confident in releasing me from the hospital within a matter of days. All of my medical numerals are being reported with extreme gusto so the only things holding me here are a few administrative necessities. Basically I’m healthy enough to walk out the front door RIGHT NOW but I’ll need to stick around for a few days while we get the important discharge shit wiped up ( those last four words were chosen with absolute intention).
My how a difference a week and some blood levels make. I had my final in-patient IV chemo session last night (2/15/15), right before a super romantic Valentine’s Day celebration, and I feel totally fine today. The chemo was the normal stuff I’ve been getting for the last few weeks, but with some thoughtful little Valentine’s Day decorations to cuten up the death chemical applicators. RN Kaitin really made my night with those. She’s the best.
The drugs were the same, though my physical reaction was much less severe this week. I did not wake up in the throes of an existential panicmelt this morning, nor am I experiencing much of anything other than slight fatigue. All there is to report on is a whole bunch of bed sitting and Sunday relaxing…which I feel like I pretty god damned well deserve!
Despite the uneventful chemo session, there is a story in the circumstances because it was Valentine’s Day! Chemotherapy doesn’t exactly scream sexytime-romance to anybody… Well, actually, Official Rule of the Internet #36 states: “If somebody has thought of it, there is a fetish for it. No exceptions.” So there is at least one sexual deviant out there who is reading this while having a Daunorubicin Hydrochloride-lubed party in his bathing suit area…. Continue reading Chemo Sesh #5: The Cuter Valentine’s Day Post
I’m in love. I’m a man in his prime, (eh, sort of?) and I’m in love. Today, being the most holy of consumerist holidays that celebrates/exploits the concept of Love, seems like a good day to talk about it. The following is an entirely over worded and intellectualized piece that attempts to put a Valentine’s Day spin on the Cancer Perception ideas that I’ve been trying to develop with Cancer Trolling. Expect more thinky thinky than lovey lovey, but also know that I am currently getting my hospital room ready for a “make due with what we have” Valentine’s Night with Liana and it’s going to be the sweetest thing the circumstances can possibly provide. Maybe you’ll hear about it tomorrow, but maybe you won’t. 🙂
We say “I love you” a lot. The words carry weight, anxiety, joy, pain, comfort and existential security… but what are we really saying? What do we really mean when we tell somebody that we love them in a modern romantic way? Do those three words imply more than a literal vow of relationship commitment, (“I won’t put my hands on her boobies because I put my hands on your boobies”) or is there a greater perspective that we are glossing over?