Free

Free.

Oh, what a word!

Oh, what a word!

Say it again.

 Free!

 I often thought,

I often dreamed how it would be–

And yet I never thought I’d be–

Once again.

 Free!

 I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because actually nothing happens until it happens, but I was told by the lead Oncologist today that they will be confident in releasing me from the hospital within a matter of days. All of my medical numerals are being reported with extreme gusto so the only things holding me here are a few administrative necessities. Basically I’m healthy enough to walk out the front door RIGHT NOW but I’ll need to stick around for a few days while we get the important discharge shit wiped up  ( those last four words were chosen with absolute intention).

Right after I found out
Right after I found out

Can you see me?

Can you see me?

When I’m free to be whatever I want to be,

Think what wonders I’ll accomplish then!

 

I have gone through more emotion in the last few hours while processing this information than I have in all of my time here in The Cancer Hut. There was a even a moment when I was actually afraid that I wouldn’t be able articulate my thoughts on the matter, thus depriving you all of my endlessly entertaining perspective!  Don’t worry, that moment was a cosmic singularity….there’s no way I’m ever going to run out of things to say. The entire Cancer Trolling Nation may breathe its collective sigh of relief now!

Free!

Can you see me?

Can you see me as a poet writing poetry?

All my verse will be–

Free.

 

This news is both surprising and not. It’s mostly surprising to me because I wasn’t focusing on my actual chemo schedule like some oncology patients probably do: counting their moments in units of procedure, regimen, pain and self-pity. My perception of time has been altered by the fact that I have been measuring my moments in positivity, gratitude, acceptance and release. Seriously. I got so wrapped up in not being wrapped up in a grueling cancer treatment that I kind of forgot that it was going to come to an end.  I knew I’d be getting out of here eventually, but I thought I had a few more WEEKS to go.

I’ll try to keep this as unmasturbatory as possible, as everybody’s health and treatment regimen is very different, but basically my body is an absolute cancer killing machine of limitless badass proportion. It took so well and so fast to the treatment that I am strong enough to recover from it on my couch instead of under the watchful care of a team of medical professionals. We can totally assign this to random existential luck, if we want to, just as we did with the completely random genetic mutation that unlucked me into this position…

The Cold Hard Facts:

  1. A gene randomly mutated in me and starting making Leukemia cells in my body.
  2. I received treatment to kill those genes and cells.
  3. My body responded as perfectly as possible to said treatment.
  4. I am able to leave the hospital early.

That’s as objective a story as we can tell….but we aren’t truly able to achieve objection, remember? No! We are all subjective entities striving to align our perspectives into a singular objective narrative that is impossible to obtain, so we can also think about this situation in terms of emotions, feelings, perceptions and perspectives. Why? Because that’s what we get to do as subjective beings! It’s the greatest gift that we have given ourselves…the ability to assign meaning to our perspective.

 

Can you see me?

Can you see me?

Be you anything from king to baker of cakes,

You’re a vegetable unless you’re free.

Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes!

 

 

I’ll try not to preach, but there might be an ego inflated testification coming: What I did with my time, thoughts, emotions and energy helped. I’m not ready to understand how or why yet, I don’t think anybody is, but it helped. The avalanche of love, support, friendship, solidarity, kindness, positivity, generosity, and even PRAYER, from all of you helped.  I’m not ready to discuss,  nor comprehend,  the reasons why these things helped, but I can tell you that I know they did. Cancer Trolling will explore  these in profound detail in the future as I continue my treatments and eventually recover. This post is more about WHAT than WHY.

Can you see me?
Can you see me?
When I’m free to be whatever I want to be,
Think what wonders I’ll accomplish then!
When the master that I serve is me and just me–

Though I will be free from the confines of my tiny oncology ward, and thus free of movement restricting tubes, way too regular medical checkups, an entire lack of privacy/personal space, I am still very much a cancer patient. Leaving this hospital does not mean I am a healthy person that can do whatever he wants; I’ll still be living a highly restricted life. Hell, my day started out with me almost fainting in the shower and then crawling my way to the bed where I had an hour long histamine reaction to some fucking breakfast tea. I’d be lying to you if I told you that the news of my early release didn’t frighten me at some level. Despite feeling like an overly observed extraterrestrial in captivity, I feel so safe and comfortable here in the care of these amazing people. It’s like medical Stockholm Syndrome.

 Now, not so fast!

I didn’t think–

The way I am,

I have a roof, three meals a day,

And I don’t have to pay a thing.

I’m just a slave and everything’s free.

If I were free, then nothing would be free!

 

Not having to live at the hospital is not an end to this by any means. It is a transition into the next phase of my Life with Leukemia and the next chapter of Cancer Trolling. This shit doesn’t end when I walk out the hospital door that I entered on 1/22/15, IT BEGINS. 

When a Jason can move, the universe shakes,

But I’ll never move until I’m free.

Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes!

I’ll be Jason, the founder of a family,

I’ll be Jason, the pillar of society,

I’ll be Jason the man, if I can only be–

 

FREE

 

I was going to insert the youtube of the song from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum that I have been quoting in this article, but a funny thing happened when I started listening to it. All of the emotions of today’s realization spontaneously exploded from the depths of my very being and I had fucking MOMENT. I realized very quickly into it that this was going to be very meaningful for me so I had the wherewithal to record it. There was no concern for a lack of authenticity because I was already lost in the moment’s importance by the time I turned my phone onto myself….and if you don’t believe me then just straight up “fuck you” is all I have to say. I’m choosing to share this with you for the purpose of communicating the emotional complexities involved with finding out that you have just regained your FREEDOM after a period of time when you didn’t know if you ever would. I want to show you what catharsis looks like.

This is me in full blown show tune induced emo melt. It’s ugly, it’s raw, it’s self-indulgent, it’s unwatchable (I wouldn’t watch it, honestly), but it is genuine, naked and real.

IT IS ME.

 

Published by

Jason the Cancer Troll

I am the benevolent Cancer Troll.

18 thoughts on “Free”

  1. F-R-E-E-FREE!! What a feeling! Breathing that fresh air will be marvelous.
    Such an emotional time for you. This whole experience has been quite a roller coaster ride. Thanks for allowing us to share the ride with you

  2. Hi Jason,

    You are extremely brave to post that video of your raw emotion. If I could give you a giant hug I would. I think about your struggles and victories every day and send you meta (loving kindness and compassion) as often as I can. Keep on trolling (in a free world)!

    All the best…

    Pete

  3. Funny that you should pick that song. Doug’s daughter, Rose, just got the role of the mother in “A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum” and gets to sing “Dirty Old Men”. At present she is in Austria with her High School Select Choir and Doug was in Budapest on business and took a bus to see her perform.
    I am so glad your tests will allow you to go home. Tell your mom I will continue keeping you in my prayers and I am glad you liked the prayer shawl colors.

    Love and hugs,
    Judy

  4. YAY Jason!! I hope you have a friend with a pick up truck to help you move everything out of your room that you brought in! 😛

    Such great news!

  5. Wow, Jason-you’re a lean, mean, cancer fighting machine! So glad you’ll be able to get home. Sending much love to you and your mom!

  6. Jason
    My entire family has been reading your blog and we have laughed and cried through it all. We are so happy to hear that you are “free”. I still owe you lunch so let me know when you are ready
    Ed

    1. I hear there’s this pretty good place called Elway’s Downtown…

      Glad to hear your family is enjoying he blog! That means a lot to me. My work schedule, aka short term disability, is pretty flexible these days, so just shoot me an email sometime and I’d love to catch up!

      -jason

  7. Incredibly overjoyed to read this post. Keep up the good work Jason’s body. And Jason’s brains and heart too.

  8. Hey Jason. All I can say is – – -that is great “F_ _ _ _ _ g news” – -that you are getting sprung from the hospital. Warm wishes from your many friends and a whole lot of prayers plus your super handling of some potent drugs did the trick. Keep up the good fight. John

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