<\/p>\n Evan was one of the first friends I made in my post-college adult life, so we’re talking lifelong-brother status. Socially conscious introverts know the innate awkwardness of cultivating platonic (plutonic? \ud83d\ude42 adult relationships, and thus we\u00a0know how special it is when one clicks. We bonded over karaoke and an irrational masculine love for Les Miserables. We started an adult recreational sports league together in Cheesman Park (well, he started it then abruptly abandoned me with it like it was a dumpster baby) and we just enjoyed the same sense of overall silliness. We shared experiences ranging from the utmost ridiculous fun to the depths of interpersonal anguish. You know, fucking friend\u00a0shit.<\/p>\n Despite my very real concern about the uncertainty of\u00a0Evan’s asinine mischief,\u00a0I totally forgot that it was coming (2\/7\/15). Friday\u00a0was just another day full of administrative meetings, medical procedures and friend visits until I heard an unfamiliar voice and turned my head to find a delightfully rotund older woman standing in my doorway. She was wearing \u00a0a janky-ass cat suit made in the 80\u2019s and had the look of a deranged bag lady who had fallen into a pile of old stage makeup.<\/p>\n \u201cP<\/strong><\/em>lease don\u2019t be a stripper,<\/strong><\/em>\u201d was the first thought that went through my mind, \u00a0but I soon realized, to my unfathomable pleasure,\u00a0that she was a SINGING TELEGRAM<\/span>.<\/p>\n I ran over to her immediately for my surreal serenade. Evan prepared her a list of songs, with lyrics that were written specifically for me, that she performed with the clumsy grace of community theater thespian who lives under a highway overpass. He found this specimen of beauty by searching for\u00a0the worst website he could find for such a service in the Denver area.. The general rule of unintentional humor is that the worse the production, the funnier it is… but only when the failure of quality is unforced. Nothing about this telegram service was forced. It was\u00a0chock full\u00a0of embarrassing low value and thus an immediate treasure. Just LOOK at their website: http:\/\/www.sunshinesingingtelegrams.com\/<\/a> It was last updated when I was in 5th grade, twenty years ago, and is itself a valuable artifact of anti-comedy.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/strong>An impressive amount of effort and planning was placed into this ordeal. The songs ranged from Les Miserables to Monty Python to Broadway Standards and all had lyrics specifically tailored to me and my leucky plight. I tap\u00a0danced\u00a0along and joined chorus refrains between fits of overwhelming embarrassment and moments where I had no choice but to hide my tear soaked face in my hat. It was a perfect storm that caused me to weep an Adriatic\u2019s worth of saltwater. It was hilarious, ridiculous, weird, baudy, and one of the most genuinely emotional moments of my life.<\/p>\n I was only able to get my hands on a couple of her scripts, but I have transcribed them for your reading pleasure. There are a few missing pieces, unfortunately, and the only video that we took was shot in extreme haste and suffers from a lack of quality that I don’t have the heart to even make fun of (let\u2019s just be thankful that a video record exists at all!).<\/p>\n <\/p>\n![\"IMG_1246](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.cancertrolling.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/IMG_1246-1.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/a>