I’m going to let you in on a secret. So far my #leuck levels have kept me slightly beyond the reach of the long arm of the Leukemia Law, but there is a chance that I’ll be karmically asphyxiated by my own IV line for sharing this with you:
Cancer can be beautiful.
It goes against all thought, reason, logic and belief that something synonymous with death, decay, destruction and unspeakable heartache can be beautiful…
But cancer CAN be beautiful and it IS beautiful…. if you look at it right.
We all have an image of cancer ingrained in our minds. Every person on this earth has been touched by cancer, most likely in the most negative way possible. This negativity automatically evokes tragic images of suffering, loss, sadness and pain. They probably look something like this (but far worse in most cases):
That image used to be my “Cancer Perception.” Sadness, illness, depression, despair, hopelessness, emptiness. A lonely man sitting in a sterile hospital room waiting for his next dose of self-inflicted torture, not knowing or caring if it would even work. It doesn’t matter to him, he sits in anguish and pain and waits for whatever outcome the cursed universe defecates into soul…
Cancer doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to see cancer that way. Cancer shouldn’t be seen that way. It’s not helpful to anybody. It doesn’t help to heal those of us on the inside, it doesn’t help those of you on the outside dealing with the trauma… It’s bad for morale and in this game, morale means a lot.
(Now is a good time for an aside to express that I am not a lunatic that doesn’t understand the true devastation that cancer has caused almost everybody on this planet. This article is not an attempt to glorify the disease or to make any sort of reduction on the impact that it has caused. This piece is merely an attempt to alter my personal and perceived public perceptions of the overall institution.)
FUCK Cancer
I HATE Cancer
Cancer KILLS
Look at those words. Feel those words. They don’t make you feel good, do they? (well, one of them does in a certain context…) Those words are ugly, like the image above, and I don’t like them and I don’t want to be associated with them.
Just because I have cancer doesn’t mean words like beauty, positivity, sexy, joy, growth and love have to be replaced. It doesn’t mean that my self image has to be that of the sickly sad man, either.
Here is another image of cancer:
Compare that image with the first one I posted. Do you feel any different than before? Your perception has changed, hasn’t it? The fear, ugliness, hate has been replaced by what….beauty?
Cancer can be beautiful.
It can be other things, too, if you look at it right.
This next series of images was taken while I read an extremely thoughtful and touching email from a friend who told me that she was inspired to run The Colfax Marathon to raise money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. You’re going to think I’m an insanely conceited narcissist (sort of true) for taking selfies while reading such an email, but I felt an unbridled explosion of honest human emotion coming on and wanted share that with her:
That was a beautiful moment for me. The look on my face is the realization that an inspiration to do good can be found in the darkest places. Thank you for that, Anna. We’re going to achieve something really positive together.
See?? Cancer can be beautiful.
Cancer can be other things, too. Cancer can be fun, silly, goofy, weird, flamboyant…
Did you laugh? I did when I was screwing around with these photos. I wasn’t feeling well at the time, but I had a great time. It made me feel better. It makes me feel better to look at it and experience it again. It is altering my perspective and relationship with cancer RIGHT NOW as I write this, and I hope it does the same for you.
Again, my cancer isn’t all that bad. I won’t have to deal with surgeries, amputations, years of chemo nor is it going to kill me… but I do have cancer and I am a representative of the overall institution. As such, I feel a sense of responsibility to do whatever I can to alter The Cancer Perception. I truly feel that if we as a society are able to view cancer with less negativity then we will be able to tap into some cosmic cultural healing potential that will benefit us all.
**CODA**
Yes I have been sitting in my quarantine room listening to Yanni for 8 hours straight today (not fucking kidding one fucking bit) and I am starting to sound like I’m going off the new age deep end, but I will let you know that there is a scientifically based concept called called “posttraumatic growth” that I will be researching in order to put a more tangible spin on The Cancer Perception. This article, however, will stick with the touchy feely consciousness angle…in honor of World Cancer Day.
this is beautiful.
Thank you 🙂
Fantastic post! You got me with that wiley “did you laugh?” bullshit, but it is true you do a good Michael C(ancer) Hall.
LOL @ Michael C(ancer) Hall.
I agree that people have this perception of cancer and cancer treatment that’s so bleak, and it’s great to fight that image. Pretty much all through treatment I carried on life as normal (except working full time — yay disability pay!) and people constantly told me they were so impressed that I was out and about living life (like I was supposed to be sitting in a dr office waiting to die).
People talk about “the gift of cancer” (gag), but there’s a lot of truth in that. It made me realize what was really important to me and and howvi wanted to spend my time. And it built my faith in a huge way that nothing else could have.
All cancers are different, as are the effects down the road of treatment, and the reoccurrence rate. I thank God constantly that I haven’t had a reoccurrence (like many of my online cancer friends have) and that the worst thing treatment left me with are weird boobs and a shorter hair. 🙂
I thought about you while writing this one. Thanks for your inspiration 🙂
Cancer CAN be beautiful, and all those things you mentioned. Cancer will change your life…..and perception about everything, if you allow it.
Last year I underwent “aggressive treatment” (says the MD and he wasn’t kidding) for cancer complete with radiation, multiple surgeries and rounds of chemo treatment. During one part of treatment, a chemotherapy pump was my constant companion for weeks. I named it CHEMOsabe and bought it a black mask-becuase it made me laugh out loud, literally.
I encourage you to keep looking for the “gifts of cancer” (gag) and flipping every negative into a positive (or a joke), and most importantly, keep writing. Nobody’s treatment or outcome is the same. I can so relate to EVERY word you share, and appreciate your honesty, vulnerability and sense of humor. Before cancer, I really had no idea, no concept to the depth and breadth of exactly what one goes through spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially, while hearing the diagnosis and enduring cancer treatment. Once diagnosed, I was in the fight of my life and did everything I could to kill cancer and not let it define me while maintaining my sense of self, including my sense of humor. Now I am cancer free (thank God) and on the other end and it is so cathartic for me to read your words and I am more equipped to support your journey having been through something similar.
You have a precious gift in that you are able to eloquently communicate to the world what so many of us hold deep inside. Thank you. I anxiously await your next post.
Thank you, Elisabeth, for that thoughtful and thorough response. Your words echo everything that I have been feeling these last few weeks and I’m very happy to know that there is a chance I will end up with a beautiful attitude like yours once I’m through all of this. Thank you for your perspective 🙂
-jason
Jason, I have greatly enjoyed reading tour blog from day one. You are such an inspiration. I’ve giggled through reading the blog (not out loud) with my son on my lap who is 5. He is a spirited child that has a heart of gold and a non existent immune system. He spends a lot of time sick and at LEAST one big hospital stay a year. Today he was very upset about having to get a haircut. After a huge emotional breakdown twice over it, we made it and have just snuggled up on the couch for recovery time, as I call it. He saw your phototshoot and wanted to know what happened to your hair. “Did he get it all cutt-ed off-ed cuz he didnt sit still mommy?”. I explained on a level of a five year old what happened to your hair. His reply was immediately ” well he can have MINE! “. Although sickness can be a negative thing, and certainly traumatizing, I’ve learned to look at the beauty of what it has done in a positive way for my child. He is the list nurturing and loving little boy. He knows what pain is. He knows what suffering is. But he is strong and has the biggest heart of any child I have known. We are cheering you on, laughing with you, and I’m sure at some point will cry and scream with you. Keep up your humor, keep smiling and keep inspiring. You’re doing something much bigger than you may know. #leuky lovin from bville NY!
Hey Carolyn!
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Your son sounds like a total badass that I would give endless high-fives to. He is the first person to offer me his hair and for that I will be forever grateful and in his debt. Hopefully when my own immune system is back up to speed I will be able to offer him a similar gesture of support!
Seriously thank you reaching out and encouraging me. Thank you for reading. Thank you for laughing along. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you and your son, I’m yours.
-Jason
I’ve been looking for this everywhere, thank you so much
Glad you found it!!! 🙂
Jason,
You don’t know me, but over the last week you have helped me more than you will ever know. I am friends with Liana’s cousin and she told me your story, and about your blog, as a way to offer some perspective on things. Your entries are inspiring and your attitude is admirable and contagious. Please continue to share your brain with us and know that you have many “strangers” sending you light and good energy throughout this journey.
Hello Yamit!
Thank you so much for reaching out, it truly means a lot to me. Your encouraging words will be returned directly to you in more fun blog entries and laughs, I hope! Any friend of Liana’s cousin is a friend of mine 🙂
Thank you again,
Jason
Well it is a very fascinating write-up.Thank you just for posting this kind of information here.I’m hoping you’re going to continue enlightening people in future as well,with the help of this sort of helpful info.Keep up the brilliant work.
thank you ernie!