The Singing Telegram of Friendship

A few days ago I received a cryptic text message from a dear friend that lives in California:

“I have a friend dropping off a package for you in the next few days. What hours can we work with? It is important that you are there and awake.”

“Is it a stripper or anything weird? Don’t forget that I am in an oncology ward,” I reminded.

“No comment,” He said. This is when my concerns began. They grew with his expressions of mirthful mischief as we worked out a time that coincided with me being super high on hospital drugs immediately following a medical procedure. Whatever this was going to be be had me horrified.

Evan was one of the first friends I made in my post-college adult life, so we’re talking lifelong-brother status. Socially conscious introverts know the innate awkwardness of cultivating platonic (plutonic? 🙂 adult relationships, and thus we know how special it is when one clicks. We bonded over karaoke and an irrational masculine love for Les Miserables. We started an adult recreational sports league together in Cheesman Park (well, he started it then abruptly abandoned me with it like it was a dumpster baby) and we just enjoyed the same sense of overall silliness. We shared experiences ranging from the utmost ridiculous fun to the depths of interpersonal anguish. You know, fucking friend shit.

Despite my very real concern about the uncertainty of Evan’s asinine mischief, I totally forgot that it was coming (2/7/15). Friday was just another day full of administrative meetings, medical procedures and friend visits until I heard an unfamiliar voice and turned my head to find a delightfully rotund older woman standing in my doorway. She was wearing  a janky-ass cat suit made in the 80’s and had the look of a deranged bag lady who had fallen into a pile of old stage makeup.

“Please don’t be a stripper,” was the first thought that went through my mind,  but I soon realized, to my unfathomable pleasure, that she was a SINGING TELEGRAM.

I ran over to her immediately for my surreal serenade. Evan prepared her a list of songs, with lyrics that were written specifically for me, that she performed with the clumsy grace of community theater thespian who lives under a highway overpass. He found this specimen of beauty by searching for the worst website he could find for such a service in the Denver area.. The general rule of unintentional humor is that the worse the production, the funnier it is… but only when the failure of quality is unforced. Nothing about this telegram service was forced. It was chock full of embarrassing low value and thus an immediate treasure. Just LOOK at their website: http://www.sunshinesingingtelegrams.com/ It was last updated when I was in 5th grade, twenty years ago, and is itself a valuable artifact of anti-comedy.

 An impressive amount of effort and planning was placed into this ordeal. The songs ranged from Les Miserables to Monty Python to Broadway Standards and all had lyrics specifically tailored to me and my leucky plight. I tap danced along and joined chorus refrains between fits of overwhelming embarrassment and moments where I had no choice but to hide my tear soaked face in my hat. It was a perfect storm that caused me to weep an Adriatic’s worth of saltwater. It was hilarious, ridiculous, weird, baudy, and one of the most genuinely emotional moments of my life.

I was only able to get my hands on a couple of her scripts, but I have transcribed them for your reading pleasure. There are a few missing pieces, unfortunately, and the only video that we took was shot in extreme haste and suffers from a lack of quality that I don’t have the heart to even make fun of (let’s just be thankful that a video record exists at all!).

 

The point of this post, other than a straightforward description of one of the most creative and perfect experiences that was ever constructed for me, is to point out that even though friends come and go in life, the impact of a friend who “truly gets you” you is something that will last forever. Evan, this is something I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thank you, brother (and perfect timing with the fentanyl). . .

 

**CODA**

It turns out this was the very first singing telegram to happen in this hospital, as far as everybody who works here can tell me. The event has been the talk of the campus for the last 24 hours. Not only was I infected with joy, but so was the rest of the hospital. We’re doing transcending good here, all of us.

 

 

Lyrical Transcripts:

Evan told me something your followers should know.

It was all about his buddy and how you love sports, so

He said that you love frisbee kickball and dodgeball

Now your blood’s kicking you around and you’re not dodging anything at all!

 

Have a speedy recovery

He just wants to say

I hope the time will pass quickly

He wants to brighten up your day

Have a speedy recovery

You’re a great guy and so today

You are the star of your own broadway show!

 

Bloody Jason is the coach we all love

Now ain’t that too damn bad

He took over Evan’s Adult League

Marooned in the hospital for weeks and weeks

 

:to the tune of Les Miserables “Master of the House”:

Mayor of the Net

Doling out the charm

Ready with a stint and IV in his arm!

Tells a saucy tale

Bout his sexy nurse

But his nurse is male with tats and likes to curse!

Says he’s glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn’t cost him to be nice

When he gets his Kleenex

It is just for triple the price!

 

Food beyond compare

Food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it’s beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages with this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Jason’s suite is occupied

Reasonable charges if you have lost your mind!

 

Mayor of the Net

He’s writing a blog

Even when he’s sick he is a media hog!

 

Comforter, philosopher and life long friend

Has a healthy attitude with lots of gratitude

Everybody’s chatting with him

Everybody’s bosom friend

All of us praying that his bloods alright in the end!